and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
