Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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