I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
