Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
