My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
