the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
