so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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