I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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