I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
