What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
