never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
that is very illegal...i love you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
