You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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