Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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