Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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