I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize