I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
