Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
