I can tuck mytits in my pants
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
