Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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