I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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