So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize