I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
