I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
