yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize