Will you blow on my dice?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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