it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
