You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
