im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize