someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize