I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
