dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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