when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
