can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
