her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
