Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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