I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
