you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
