i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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