No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
