Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
