Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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