How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
