We're like a lot better than the average bears
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
