my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
