Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
