Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We talked him into tasing himself.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm always down for nudity.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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