When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
