man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
