The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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