I wish they made helmets for livers.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
