Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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