my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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