Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
