I will die if light touches me.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
