He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
