Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize