I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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