I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He has the fingertips of a God
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