Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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