so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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