he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Barsexuality is the new black.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
